Reading a well-written column is a treat. But reading a column that inspires you to examine your beliefs and do some soul-searching is a true delicacy.

“The Last Lecture” column by Chris Peterson struck a chord with me. Firstly, by reminding the name and legacy of late Randy Pausch, a charismatic computer science professor. Mr Pausch, upon learning about his diagnosis of an aggressive form of a pancreatic cancer, decided to share his insights on life with his students. He did it in the form of a lecture – his last lecture. I highly recommend watching this lecture (embedded below) if you haven’t already. And if you have, please re-watch it, the message its worth reinforcing.

Secondly, by prompting to evaluate my latest decisions. I’m talking about abandoning a comfortable and predictable job in order to follow my dreams. And finally, to consider this decision through the lens of a certain astrological aspect in my chart. I know this is a handful but I promise to untangle it to the best of my abilities. Let’s begin.

Getting There

It’s been a year since I’ve left my old professional life behind. I gave up the title and stability that come with being a full-time employee at a publishing company and ventured into the unknown territory. I wanted to “focus on learning new things and general self-development” so I could “become my own boss” down the road.

Why did I leave? Despite all my love for words, writing and the editorial work in general, I felt I had stopped growing as an employee, and as a person. I’ve tried adjusting my attitude, and it worked for a while. Then, the yearning for something different would return even stronger.

Thinking there will be a better, more convenient time to move on, I let the days and months go by. Even though I subconsciously knew I had to make the change, I couldn’t bring myself to it. I was still looking for permission to act on the messages from my intuition that encourage me to follow my heart’s desire.

And then I got one.

The sudden death of my 63-year old father was the immediate trigger that helped me to finally gather the courage. Seeing Paput’s body in the coffin was the moment I realized there’s no such thing as the right moment. There’s never a right time to follow one’s calling. No such thing as external security has ever existed. I came back from his funeral a changed person.

Suddenly, things started to make sense where previously only words could be seen.

Growing through the North Node

In my astrological birth chart I have the North Node in Scorpio. North Node represents our soul’s potential, the direction of the future. It shows you what kind of changes you need to make to fully embrace your potential. The lessons of the North Node aren’t easy, but integrating them yields the most rewards.

Scorpio is one of the most intense signs of the zodiac. It’s ruled by Pluto, the planet of transformation and regeneration. Having a North Node in Scorpio means the person will need to let go of old behavioral patterns and completely transform their life. In the most dramatic cases, the transformation happens through the death of the old self, so the new self can can emerge. Like Phoenix raising from the ashes.

On the cognitive level, I knew all of that. But I couldn’t grasp the true meaning of my North Node in Scorpio until my dad’s passing. When I was going through his studio, I learned first-hand about the importance of letting go. Suddenly, I was in charge of his worldly possessions, deciding which ones to keep and which ones to donate. Talk about integrating the lesson about finding the security without clinging to others or material things.

Actually, my dad’s passing, although difficult and painful, wasn’t the first time I had to face my deepest fears and insecurities. During my divorce and in the years that followed, many of my limits were tested and tried. Even then I was urged to embrace the unknown.

Now, looking at the last seven years through the North Node in Scorpio lens, I begin to fully understand the message. The only constant in life is change. (I even wrote the exact phrase in my capstone!) The more open to change we are, the easier it becomes. We are on this planet to grow thanks to the complexity of our experiences. We should not be tied down by the earthly possessions and accolades, for they are fleeting and non-important in the face of death or change.

Brick Walls

What’s the connection between the above and Chris Peterson? In the concluding paragraph of his column he wrote:

It has been said, by the late Elizabeth Edwards and by others, that living is what you do until you die. Randy Pausch showed us that living well is the right way to do it. Yes, we encounter brick walls, sometimes frequently. But as professor Pausch reminded us, brick walls are there to remind us how badly we want something.

This hit really close to home. Over the last 12 months, I have been banging my head against these “brick walls” many times.

There were serious health problems in my immediate family, which had caused stress and uncertainties for my own health (silly genes!). The change in my status and income diminished my sense of security. And then there were days when I lacked motivation or direction, which had lead to escapism. What’s one day, after all? I can start tomorrow.

More often than I would like to admit, I felt obligated to justify and defend my decision to others. While they meant well and wanted to see the new you, I took it as a critique. Not having such a person yet corroded even further my already weak confidence. Instead of embracing the possibilities of the in-between stage, I felt paralyzing fear of the unknown.

Emerging Wisdom

Colliding with the “brick walls” isn’t necessary my kind of fun. Yet, exactly as Chris Peterson said, encountering them has helped me to reinforce the conviction how bad I want this.

“This” – for me – means empowering people through education so they can become the best versions of themselves. Propagating positive psychology. Overcoming my own self-imposed limitations and inspiring others by my actions. Living an authentic life, making a meaningful contribution.

There’s no doubt that things could have been smoother. It would be lovely to have a teaching contract in hand or something else that would speak to the doubting Thomases out there. It would be fantastic to go to the actual office and have a chance of talking to another human being during the day. To feel the joy of seeing the first class of students completing one of my courses.

But I know this is the gestation period. Instead of rushing things through, I appreciate the things that have already come my way. Like the offer of my former employer – now client – to continue managing the journal I have been for the last eight years. It provided a steady link to the world of academic publishing and elevated some of the financial insecurities.

I am also grateful for the regained ability to articulate my thoughts in the written form. Writing has always been a source of great joy and personal accomplishment for me. I had a great time researching and writing the 55-page capstone for my positive psychology Certificate. Doing so, was a great boost for my confidence and an inspiration for some of the teaching materials. I am grateful that my friends and family still want to talk to me after being exposed to my endless lectures on positive psychology.

“Brick walls,” if anything, had helped me to sharpen my focus and reinforce my conviction. I know I am on the right track.

If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t wake up eager every day, ready to learn, create and advance my work for just a little, a paragraph here and a note there. I know what I want and I work toward achieving it. There must be enough ash accumulated from burning down my former life for a magnificent Phoenix to rise from them.

© Ania Bogacka